The ugly truth about relationships… and God’s original plan for them

“Mr ******, you are hereby sentenced to six years imprisonment for being found guilty of blah blah blah…” the courtroom began to fade to black and my legs turned to jelly.

And this wasn’t even my prison sentence! It would have been easier if it had been mine. Shock set in as I watched my partner being led away to begin his lag.

Living on the dark side with a hole in my heart was problematic. Every time my partner went to jail, I felt like my world had been sucked into a gigantic black hole leaving only festering pain in its wake, and an empty shell of a person who people called Janet. Without him, I had no purpose, meaning or reason for getting through the bare necessities of life – never mind find inspiration for doing anything creative or fulfilling. I was dependent on him in an unhealthy way.


The circumstances may differ from person to person, but the more people I meet, the more I realize this is a common issue for many. However, this concept is inherently flawed and sets us up for failure every time. Women, in particular, seem to look to their man for their happiness and purpose. I know. I was that girl. I know first-hand how overpoweringly strong and all-consuming the need to find ‘Mr Right’ to ‘complete me’ can be. Trouble is, no man (not even one of the seemingly best specimens) can possibly fulfill that role.

Between relationships I was literally on the prowl for a new man to make me happy and to be my world. With the eyes of a predator I surveyed any given selection of males, rifling them down to a short-list in just a few seconds. You know what I mean… hypothetically speaking, of course! Lol. But many of us have seen this feral behaviour even when the person is sure they’re doing their best to hide it. I couldn’t just be at peace and get on with the things I enjoyed doing, making the most of the gifts God had given me. It seems so tragic, even lame, until I found out why. There’s a very good reason for woman’s ingrained hunger for validation from man instead of God.

Before the fall of Adam and Eve, they walked and talked with God and enjoyed joint-rule in the Garden. They looked to God for their spiritual and emotional fulfillment, not each other – they simply complemented, helped and enjoyed each other. Then Eve believed Satan’s lies, ate the forbidden fruit and sucked Adam into doing the same, causing the fall of man and womankind. After cursing the serpent God said to the woman, “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.”


The notes in my Bible explain it well… “Satan had struck at the core of God’s design. Genesis 3:16 is the ‘Achilles’ heel of a woman-her greatest stumbling block and the root of most dysfunctional behavior women have in relationships with men. Fallen, Eve’s “desire” was now for her husband. “Shall be” can make God’s words sound like a command; but God is actually warning her against a tendency to make her relationship with her husband, rather than her relationship with God, her primary reference point. As a result, the man might (either inadvertently or intentionally) rule over her emotionally. Then value, significance, and security would then hinge on the man’s response to her. Too easily, she might look to him for her life, when God wanted her deepest longing (and thereby her effectiveness) to hinge on Him.”

When I decided to follow Christ, the intense need to find a husband and a father figure for my son remained unchanged, although it had superficially become a little more civilized. But in reality, the intensity of the desire was undimmed. After I finally stopped waiting for the ex to clean up his act and get with the programme, I turned my focus on “Letting Jesus do the looking.” But I was still consumed by helping Him in case He missed something. Years went by, largely wasted in terms of Jesus return on investment in my life, eg. actual eternal fruit, because my focus was not on what God was actually asking me to do. In fact, I was still so bad that He had to be quite blunt – almost rude. One day God spoke to me through someone. “Nothing is going to happen for you in this area until you accept Jesus as your husband – then you will be like royalty to Me.” In fact, the thought of being royalty to God made having an earthly husband pale in comparison. So that became my quest. I asked God how to do that and He showed me. To hear that journey, check out my podcast, Allowing Jesus to be your Husband or Father.

It took a few years, but I finally and fully accepted Jesus as my husband, and He filled the hole in my heart. I found peace and total fulfillment. I was free. Free to say, “What did You want me to do for You again?” He said, “The BOOK!” I smiled, “Oh yes, the book…” And so The Wild Side finally got started which, by God’s grace, is bringing help and hope to many stuck in dysfunctional lifestyles and addiction. After I’d finished the book (obedience), and after 13 years of being single, God brought me along an amazing husband and we complement each other perfectly. It works well because we have learned to keep our focus in proper order. In fact, we are so perfectly suited that we can accomplish ten times more together than we could by ourselves. It is, in fact, a match made in heaven.

God wants us to be free, and get on with what it is we are here for. Doing his sacrifice justice and making every day count. He has given each of us a purpose and a unique set of gifts to achieve that purpose. And the world is waiting.

All the best with the journey
Janet xox

Comments (2)

Read your book awhile ago…was very hard as my journey I found in your pages. This podcast was great..hard to listen to though for some reason..I think still a lot of pain is attached, and to hear this from your healed perspective makes me wanna cry ‘how much longer for me Lord.’ Maybe I am not pressing in hard enough..making Him mine that I may be His…that seems like a scary, vulnerable sort of place. Want it so bad but I keep pulling do you let Him in to those places…I’m sick of them and want them gone, but yet keep them tightly woven through my soul. Oh God for your love to sweep those places free of debris, oh what I would give.
Your a great woman Janet seeing the way God can heal brings a lot of HOPE, He really is faithful isn’t He?😊 Seen you around a bit maybe sometime I’ll say hey.

Hi Marnie, thanks for sharing your heart, that takes courage. There’s no getting around the pain or the truth, but there is healing available. It doesn’t have to take as long as my journey did, I think God is doing a very quick work in people these days who are serious about their recovery and healing and their walk with Him. Yes it does take effort to go after our healing, but not striving. Just relax into Him and trust that He is faithful to continue the good work He started in you, as your heart is for Him. He will bring healing, that is who He is. When the pain outweighs the fear, somehow we finally are able to let Him in. And it’s not so bad. Would love you to say hello Marnie… it gets better… oh so much better! Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

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